One of those Tough Days!
So it has been 2 years since my big brother
Dave died. This weekend I was hit extra hard with that fact! I think of him often, most days really... but as I attended Joecee's baptism I just missed him a ton. I wanted to see him with his red sunburned nose, goatee, blue shirt, and a outdoorsy vest, baptizing and confirming his daughter.
It doesn't seem very fair! Why? He is missing so much!
I try not to do this often but I am allowed my moment to whine every now and then...
After all, I do know we will all be together again!!!
I do feel extra comfort knowing that his death did save so many others.
He always helped others!
I just miss him today!!
Our only Kirby Family Photo with just us all grown up... I noticed Dave in the background when I was editing. This is at his Celebration of Life. We will treasure this one.
Today I read through some of my old blog posts... I thought this one hit the spot... I wrote this about a month after he died.
My thoughts and memories of my big brother...At the hospital the Sunday Dave died we met together in a ICU room and had family prayer. Our family is huge, and includes many close friends. We filled the room to capacity and beyond. We smashed into the corners to allow the continuous flow of people to enter. As the 5 kids entered the room I couldn't keep the tears from flowing. As I looked around the room, I could see that most everyone was feeling the same feelings I was at that moment. Heidi was amazingly strong and offered the prayer. It was wonderful, comforting, and perfect. I remember thinking afterward, "We should be comforting Heidi not her comforting us." Afterward, she asked all of us to please write down our memories of Dave so her children would know what kind of person, friend, brother, and son he was.
So... This is for Lasca, Brogan, Joecee, Stryder, and Kaymin. I do admit it is for me also. I need to express my feelings and memories of him... it seems to be my way of healing. I want them to know the kind of big brother he was to me.
Dave was 9 years older than me. To him I am sure I was a little pest. On the other hand I do think that as a 10 year old he liked me a little...I have evidence to prove it. On our family home movies he is the one spotting me as I take my first steps. He helps me up with a big smile and encourages me to keep trying.
My earliest memories of Dave are those of a normal brother sister relationship... he teased me and I tattled on him. He would do various things like spear peanut butter on my nose, wipe mayonnaise on my glasses, and give me buttercups! He was a pro at those! Even though at the time I screamed and tattled I think I was secretly happy he was giving me attention.
Dave and I were always at war. When I was about 13 or 14 I went through a "tree-hugger", "animal-rights-activist" kind of phase. At the time I wanted to be a National Geographic Photographer and help save the planet! To Dave... this put a big red target on my chest that said TEASE ME. I have so many examples of our wars but I will only describe a few.
Each fall Dave would go hunting... I was appalled! I just didn't understand why someone would want to shoot one of God's creations. Dave would go out of his way to remind me that he was going to track and bring home the biggest buck. I would usually respond with some statistic I read from National Geographic on how he was a big reason for all the animals going extinct. (I pretended to know what I was talking about.) I remember one day after the hunt he said, "Jenny I have something to show you... come here. " I followed him, being my gullible self, he led me to the garage. My jaw dropped... there hanging from the rafters in the garage was a dead deer. He thought it was the funniest thing ever... I stormed out determined to never forgive him!
In the spring every year we would prune the trees. We would pile all the branches in the middle of the garden and have a big bonfire. Remember again... my "save the earth" mind frame at this time. I remember Dave putting Harts' cups on the end of a stick and burning them. Again, my jaw dropped. How could he? Look at that black smoke going into the atmosphere! I watched as the cup melted and changed shape until little dripping fireballs of plastic dropped to the ground. I remember arguing over the blazing fire. How could my brother be the one person single handedly destroying the world?!
I think it was about a year later I discovered I could never be a National Geographic Photographer because I would have to sleep alone in a tent in the wilderness for days. The thought of that life was too frightening. So I changed my career choice to teaching. Also, burning cups on the bonfire was just too much fun so my "save the earth" years passed. I still have never gone hunting with Dave but... I was willing to. He invited my husband Mark to go with him and I would have loved to go along.
Dave would often ask me to tag along with his dates (I still can't figure out why) I would always say yes because it meant at least a snickers and a soda from Harts and if I was really lucky maybe even fast food. One time a girl in a bright red sports car pulled up to our house. Dave asked if me and my friend Katie if we would like to come along. Heck yes!! Look at that car. We stopped at Harts and as this girl went in to the store Dave looked back at me and Katie and said, "She's cute huh? Guess what, I 'm going to marry her!" I remember thinking what a crazy lovestruck brother I had. Dave and Heidi were engaged a few days later.
The summer after I graduated from high school I worked construction with Dave. At the time he was running the blade (road grater) . He was so good at it. I don't say that just because I am his sister... everyone in the construction business knew Dave and his skills on any of the equipment, especially the blade. I would walk along side the blade and tell him to lift the blade up one notch or down a few as I followed the marking stakes the surveyors left. We would stay late in the hot summer night until he got it perfect. He always finished. He would never leave anything undone. At this time we were building the taxi way at the Salt Lake City Airport. We had a long commute home and we would eat star burst candy and usually grab a soda for the ride home. He would ask me about volleyball and tell me about the new things Lasca had just learned to do.
Dave guarded me around the rough construction crowd. He was so respectful of me. Sometimes he had to take care of some lazy workers... he would tell me to go work on something and I could hear him cussing them out from a distance. He never used the "construction man language" around me. One day I was helping one of the other workers pick up these metal stakes. We had to use the forklift to gather them all. The kid would drive and I would put the stakes on the forks. I was bending down to pick up a stake and this kid drove over my ankle. The first words out of his mouth was, "Man I'm dead!" Here came Dave... (can you imagine!) he practically fired the kid... he was yelling at him saying, "you idiot you probably ruined her volleyball career." I assured Dave I was fine... he made me go to the doctor even though I didn't think I needed to. It felt nice to have someone stand up for me like Dave did.
Mark and I moved to California to go to school and play volleyball for Cal State Northridge. After being in Northridge for 5 months Mark decided to be baptized. Dave and his family were there for one of the most special days in our lives. After the baptism we had a great time at the beach helping Lasca and Brogan collect shells.
Three years ago Mark and I moved back to Utah. Dave was building his home at the time and Heidi had just had Kaymin the day before. We didn't expect Dave to help us move in but at 7:00 a.m. in the morning he called and said, " I have an hour or two so I am on my way up with the trailer to get you guys moved." I quickly woke Mark up and we went to work. That same day Dave, Mark and my dad poured the basement floor of his house. He always found a way to help us all.
This past Christmas Dave and I both had a different idea about what we should do as a family for a gift exchange. We were both a little stubborn with our opinions. A few weeks before Christmas he called me and we had a heated conversation about the subject. I started to cry and told him I wished I still lived in California so I wouldn't have to worry about these kind of family problems. We ended our conversation and I went about my evening a little disgruntled. About an hour later (10:00 p.m. ) I heard a knock at the door. Dave and Heidi were standing on my porch. I opened the door and let them in. He handed me a treat he had picked up at the gas station and said, " I'm sorry I made you sad. I would never mean to do that." He gave me a big hug (a Kirby No No) and we had a great conversation and came to a resolution. I was so touched how he drove clear up to my house at night just to say sorry. He always had to make things right.
I can't begin to explain my feelings about him while we sat at the hospital those two dreadful days. It was a roller coaster of not knowing what was happening, the realization of his condition, the choice for him to be a donor and then his death. The hardest part was riding with the smiling kids up the elevator on there way to say bye to their daddy. As I left them in the room with Heidi I walked outside into the hall and crumbled.
The week following was exhausting and wonderful. We gathered as family and reflected on our memories of Dave. We laughed, cried and pondered about what his experience might have been like. We spent many late, late, late nights working on the celebration of his life and funeral. I felt closer to my siblings than ever before. We bonded and it was a great feeling.
Lasca, Brogan, Joecee, Styder and Kaymin I want you to know that your dad was a great brother to me. He teased me a lot... he stood up for me when i needed someone to, he apologized to me, he cared about me, and he made me laugh. I will always remember him when I look at any of you. I love you all. Remember his legacy.
